I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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