oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
