No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
porn star boner night. come get it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
