You made me cry and you don't even care
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
