nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
