My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
