Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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