There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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