We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
