i just had sex bonerless
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
