well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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