I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
