Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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