Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
