Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
