I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
