So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
