i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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