Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
