Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
