the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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