Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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