you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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