why im i the only drunk person in the library?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
