Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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