yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
