Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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