I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So here I am, sexting at work.
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