ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
