Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
