Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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