Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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