JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
