I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
