apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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