Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
