We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
