I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my poor anus
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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