I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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