Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
