The maid of honor just puked.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
