Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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