i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
