it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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