I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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