Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
