What a fucking waste of an outfit
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
