Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize