How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
