splinters make it hard to masturbate
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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