I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
