Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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