she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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