Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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