where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
