Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
