i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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