apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
